


the act of gaining forgiveness

by Fictionboysarebetter



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Chapter 3, Character Study, Despair Disease (Dangan Ronpa), Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Homicidal Thoughts, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Relationships, all i can do with my life is write angst and introspection, also spoilers for the first game technically as well, and spoilers for mikan's "beloved" as well, spoilers for chapter 3, theres technically mikan/junko but im not tagging it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:09:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28781778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionboysarebetter/pseuds/Fictionboysarebetter
Summary: Forgiveness? I know Enoshima-chan would forgive me. (She always forgave me.)————————As they are right now, none of my classmates will understand, because they have not met Enoshima-chan yet. How terrible I feel for them...
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	the act of gaining forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> hey again
> 
> so um?? this is the second draft of this idea because i thought the first one moved too fast. this one still moves pretty fast considering i wanted to keep it relatively short and needed to fit in mikan catching the disease and how she was feeling during that time *and* the murder, so it was a tight fit.
> 
> the idea of the fic is basically just what might've went on in mikan's head during chapter 3 (as in revolving around the despair disease). yea thats it. all i can do at this point is write character studies.
> 
> um? TWs? some pretty unsettling thoughts, not too graphic murder but still there, technically insanity, unhealthy relationships, yk i think yall know pretty much everything that goes down in ch 3. 
> 
> if i missed any specific tags or tws tell me. um anyways ill prob end up rewriting some of this later.
> 
> also i specifically made this in first person. originally this was going to be in third person because ik most people prefer it to first, but its much easier to convey mikan's all-over-the-place emotions in first person rather than third.

As my muddled, sleep-deprived mind struggled to keep up with the constant chaos of my patients' condition, I could feel the bruise I had gotten earlier that day pulsing like an extra heart whenever it made contact with something as I moved about the hospital. It was extremely tiring, constantly having to bustle from room to room to room with patients that weren't very cooperative. (Mioda-chan was an exception to this.) Still, seeing them weaker than me gave me a sense of power. Now they had to rely on me! I was of use to someone. When I was the nurse and they were the patient, I was not the butt of the joke.

However, I think the sleeplessness of taking care of them all was finally starting to get to me. As my head desperately scrambled for a crumb of understanding of nothingness, I simply could not gather enough of anything in me to chase it. The idea of sleep was enticing, but I couldn't allow it! Komaeda-kun, Owari-chan, and Mioda-chan were all in my care, and no one would forgive me if something happened to them!

...

...Forgive me?

That phrase seemed familiar, and it was like a fraction of a gear that had gone missing from my brain slotted in. I could not grasp why or how it was so familiar and why I craved the connection because I was still waiting for the last piece, the final chapter that would piece everything together. Saionji-chan wouldn't be able to call me a troll-faced pig slut if I realized something important!

I could feel myself starting to grow slightly sweaty. Was dawn already upon the island again? I had to change, probably. For someone who had refused to take baths for such a long period of time, Saionji-chan was hellbent on terrorizing me whenever she got the opportunity, even if it was hypocritical. Even if we would not interact for a short while due to the seperating of the motel team and hospital team, I had to be absolutely sure this would not get back to her! I wanted her to like me. (Why didn't she like me? What did I do..?)

Regardless, I kept monitoring the three despair-ridden patients as they blabbed on incoherently. As the Super High-school Level Health Committee Member, it was my responsibility to cure these patients! Even if we were only equals for a short period of time, I am upheld as a nurse!

I determinedly gave them each the necessary antibiotics as the sun finally crept out along the line of the horizon, reflecting the warm glow on the water as the bright, tropical colors of the islands were highlighted even further. It would all be okay! I will not let this disease become a motive! I thought. I even promised myself.

————————

The throbbing in my head only grew worse, even after I had a good nap! Maybe it's because I'm ugly. Is that something Saionji-chan would say? 

It made things increasingly difficult. It was a burden to my focus, my hearing, my abilities...I needed to snap out of it immediately so I could be of the most use to all of my friends!

It was another night of sleepless wandering. I went from room to room, where the condition of each patient stayed relatively the same. 

It was that same night that I gave into temptation and got a little bit of rest. Even if it was only an hour or two, when I woke up, the swell of shame that I felt burst over me was overwhelming. It was still dark out. I sprinted downstairs as fast as my legs would carry me. Checking checking checking...

They were all in the same condition they were before. Owari-chan was somehow crying in her sleep, Mioda-chan was sitting as straight as a board, begging an entity that was not there not to kill her (I suspected that Komaeda-kun had told her something about a ghost), and Komaeda-kun was still teetering on the very edge of being in life-threatening danger.

I let myself cry for a short while, both happy and ashamed, but I knew that I would need to suck it up and pay closer attention to Komaeda-kun before anything bad did happen. I was so weak sometimes...I wouldn't even be surprised if all my friends truly hated me deep down. Ugly pigshit Tsumiki, thats what I am. (There was a lot of crying for the next while.)

The heat from the last day had persevered, along with what I can only describe as overwhelming hormonal mood swings. I would be perfectly fine one second, and then the next I was spiraling on the floor in a crying fit because I simply could not understand what thoughts and emotions were churning in my head, or I was annoyed by the sight of Kuzuryu-kun when he stopped by the hospital, or the way Hinata-kun talked.

I was too afraid to admit this to them. What would they say if they found out I was being irrationally emotional about their presence? How stupid! They would never forgive me! They had already done so much for me, talking to me, even befriending me to an extent, being able to somewhat bare my company...They were too kind! The thought of their kindness made me cry a lot of happy tears. (Saionji-chan would probably consider saying something like that embarrassing.)

————————

The story is supposed to reach its climax when I remember. The way it happened is dull. Dull in every way. A dull that my beloved would have despised almost as much as she despised the idea of absolute hope. 

I was simply rechecking Mioda-chan's temperature when I realized I forgot to grab her medicine. How forgetful of me!

I grabbed it normally, with a panicked, rushed grab, and I walked back normally, with the normal sound of my feet making contact with the floor at a normal pace, and gave them to her normally. I was feeling normal. It wasn't until I was out of Mioda-chan's room, thinking, 'I should make sure that I have Owari-chan and Komaeda-kun's medicine as well! They'd never forgive me if I just let them suffer in silence' when it happened.

... ... ...

Forgive...me?

It was like a dam, everything bursting out in my head. The final puzzle piece, the last slot in a game was finally set. The realization was so startling that I tripped. I giggled like I was losing my mind. Haha, I'm such a klutz sometimes! Enoshima-chan would remind me if she were here...

With these memories, my true identity was revealed to myself, like a magician raising the curtain on their final trick. I would not be who I am today without my memories, without my Enoshima-chan...The one person who forgave my existence, accepted me, was honest with me, told me the truth about my worthless life and how unworthy I am. How honorable of her, how kind, how maddening that she was a fantastic enough person to stick around someone as meaningless as me! 

I know, in my heart, that she cared for me. She wanted me to feel the ultimate despair. It always brought her to the brink of losing everything, herself, when she brought despair upon the ones closest to her. I do not side on hope, or even despair. I side with love. That is all there is to it! My classmates do not know what it is like to feel this maddening, despairing love, and because of that, I will not be forgiven. (They are not yet aware that they end up like this too. As they are right now, none of my classmates will understand, because they have not met Enoshima-chan yet. How terrible I feel for them...)

But Enoshima-chan would forgive me! She always forgave me. My beloved, the one true person that I will ever love to be accepted fully in return...I have to fully reciprocate, to make it fully understood that I returned it in full. 

Even if the despair of her death made my brain numb to the point I truly did not care about anything, I decided I would do one last act of devotion as a sign of my love for her.

What would Enoshima-chan want me to do? Continue the killing game in the most interesting, despair-inducing way possible, of course! 

Another breathy giggle left my mouth. This time, I truly was going insane! My love for Enoshima-chan bursted at the seams and spilled out the side. (Like the blood gushing out of a dead body, almost! Except metaphorical.) Oh, to see her one last time! I had to ensure that Hinata-kun and the others would figure this next kill out...I will go down to see Enoshima-chan. I will die with that as my final wish! To die with the hope of seeing her again, knowing down in my heart that the despairing truth waits for me after my death here.

————————

I could feel the rope grinding against my skin leaving rope burn as I pulled harder. With the pain was a click of sadistic satisfaction. Enoshima-chan would want this kill to be as despairing for me as it would be for everyone else! While, Mioda-chan was a convenient target, I chose her specifically for this kill. 

The rope, coiled around Mioda-chan, was slowly crushing her windpipe. Poor, poor Mioda-chan...too gullible as a victim to despair to do much about being skeptical of my words! If this were a victim that wasn't gullible enough to not resist, I would have felt her fighting for air, trying to vacuum the air for an opportunity to breathe if my hand slipped for even just a moment; like a fish on land. 

She was dying. It both struck a chord of pain in my heart and pleased another with a sick sense of satisfaction. Mioda-chan used to be one of my best friends in actual real life, where we were not memory-less and in a killing game. Killing her would be almost as painful for me as it was for her. A slight laugh breathed out in the humid air. The temperature had been cranked up almost as far as it could go without overheating.

As I felt her body go limp, her eyes start to bulge and go unfocused, I heard the familiar sound of the door to the music venue open. 

I stopped strangling her for a split second to look up. The idea of being caught in the act, being forced to kill another...how tragic! Absolutely full of despair and the maddening entertainment that Enoshima-chan always loved! If only if she had been less reckless, less self-destructive, not enough to let herself succumb to despair a final time as her twistedly complex plan was stopped at the very last minute. If only she had not made the deal with that insignificant, lowly little hope kid, if only she had let me kill everyone, she would still be here today to remind me how much I needed to sacrifice myself for the sake of despair! I would do it, if it was for her.

I was greeted by the sight of Saionji-chan. What an astoundingly tragic coincidence! The last living friend I have in this world, other than Mioda-chan. What a shame that I must kill her as well. 

Her petrified eyes were almost as amusing as the kind of eyes that were so unfocused that you knew the pupils would never look around like that again. Her kimono was loose on her shoulders, and her sash was not tied. It seemed she'd come here for the full-length mirror! If only she'd saved it for tomorrow... I could see the tears swell in her eyes and her throat tense like she wanted to scream but was so deep in shock that she couldn't.

"Whoops! I-I'm such a clumsy, icky troll-faced pig that I misplaced my rope, Saionji-chan!" I laughed in a sing-song tone. She looked even more terrified at the sight of my laughing face.

Oh, to kill the last two people that meant something to me, even so distantly in the past! This was the despair Enoshima-chan admired with all her being. If it brought me closer to her, I didn't care how much my heart stung at seeing the near-lifeless body of one of my only old friends. Enoshima-chan would love it! Enoshima-chan has killed her own sister, the one boy she loved, to feel that despair. In order to gain her forgiveness, I needed to make these murders as twisted as possible!

I felt a short period of my consciousness drifting away from my body. Distantly, from somewhere far away, I could see the gash on Saionji-chan's neck and the waterfall of sticky, splattery red that came with it. The feel of the duct tape sticking to the pads of my fingers as I taped her limp, dead body onto the pillar. The rope, once again rendering Mioda-chan's lungs useless. Using the baton lighting to stage it as a suicide. The buttons that controlled it made a clicking sound.

Staring at the full picture, their dead bodies, the wallpaper now placed loosely around the pillar Saionji-chan was on, I was sure that this would be the last time I ever murdered someone. The outside world was probably glad! We were surely being filmed. Remnants, doing all of their dirty work and killing each other off just like that? We're only making it easier for them.

As I went off to Hinata-kun's cottage to inform him of Komaeda-kun's sudden healthiness, (I wouldn't call it healthiness, nor did I care much anymore, but he was no longer bordering on a tight rope between life and death) I shut the door to the music venue. 

They'd forgive me.


End file.
